You are not the exception
Read that again.
If you think you can make the same mistake as others and emerge unscathed - think again. Many people go into situations believing that their experience will be the exception. This is wrong and frankly quite dangerous. I hope this post helps you to reconsider this thought as it’s an often present undercurrent to stupid decisions we make.
The definition of insanity
Have you ever heard the phrase “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”? I’m sure you have (and if not, now you know). Many people repeat the same mistakes over and over again in their lives, hoping for a different outcome. You are basically insane, or at least behaving like an insane person. You don’t have to check yourself into a facility though, you just need to interrogate the thought pattern that keeps you in this Groundhog Day [1] type of loop.
The main thought pattern behind the repetition of mistakes is believing that you are the exception. Let me give you an example. Bloc currently works at a company which has a toxic work environment. The workload is just too much and there’s no consideration for a healthy work-life balance. He has an interview with a different company that he hopes he’ll be able to move to and escape his current hellscape. During the interview, Bloc picks up on signs that the company he’s interviewing for also has issues around work-life balance and a toxic atmosphere. Instead of using his own experience of this situation to confirm these red flags and move on from this opportunity, he begins to gaslight himself. It doesn’t help that he’s desperate to get away from his current job. When Bloc receives a job offer from this new company, he convinces himself that he’s reading into things too much and that this new company has to be so much better than one he’s currently at.
Bloc moves to this new company, and guess what? He’s in the same position as before! I know shocking.[2] What happened? He believed he was the exception! He thought it couldn’t happen to him again, and although all the signs were there, he went forward with a decision which past experience should have taught him to stay away from.
Bloc’s experience at his new job - to be expected.
Why do people do this?
Like our miskeen [3] friend Bloc, many people make decisions in the same way and are surprised when they end up stuck in a cycle.
The main reason I believe people make decisions with the belief that they're the exception, is because they lack a sense of ownership and responsibility over their life. When you have an external locus of control [4] you will make a whole lot of strange decisions. Instead of adequately judging a situation, person or opportunity, you will go forward with whatever is presented to you. When things inevitably go wrong, you see nothing wrong with saying “why me?”. The misfortune that has befallen you is obviously caused by external factors beyond your control - there’s absolutely nothing you did to contribute to it.[5] However, if you traced your steps back and honestly examined the path that led you to where you are, you will find the answer to your question. You are the cause behind your own strife.
Another reason people often adopt this sentiment of being exceptional is because they have a rosy perspective of the world. It’s lovely to imagine that the whole world and everyone in it is just amazing, but that’s not the case. It’s not beneficial to perceive the world as extremely negative either, but if you want to stop making awful decisions, you are better off seeing the world with a negative slant as opposed to a positive one. When you stop assuming others have your best interest at heart, you begin to prioritise yourself and are more vigilant. You make better decisions.
The final reason why people often make terrible decision, even when past experience tells them otherwise, is because they’re desperate. Taking the example of Bloc and his new job. If he wasn’t in a bad situation with his current job, he may have paid more attention to the red flags of the new job opportunity. Although it is difficult to remain level-headed in difficult times, reminding yourself to take a long-term perspective can really help you to determine the significance of a decision appropriately.
With a long-term perspective, Bloc would probably have realised that he can wait for better opportunity. Not only that, but he effectively ended up in the same situation he started in by leaving one toxic job for another. It’s easy to see how people can get stuck in a viscous cycle of bad decisions.
If Blocky had gone into his job interview with a more sensible and cautious mindset, he would have seen the red flags (made more obvious to him by his current experience of a toxic work environment), understood that he was not in fact that exception, and therefore would be walking into another toxic work environment. Bloc would turn down the job offer and continue to look for a better opportunity. Although it can feel difficult at first, making decisions knowing that what you see is what you get, is a lot simpler. We would all be much happier making decisions in this way in the long run as well.
An invitation to take a trip down memory lane
Some of you may have read all of this and feel that it is obvious. If you feel this way - congratulations![6] Putting aside the fact that a lot of obvious advice can be difficult to do, I would encourage you to think about times in your life where you ended up in a bad situation. Were there any red flags? Did you ignore them? Did you believe that you are the exception?
Whatever happens to someone else, can surely happen to you too. Don’t believe you are the exception and break out of the cycle of insanity!
Footnotes
[1] Groundhog Day is a 1993 movie in which the main character is forced to relive the same day over and over again.
[2] This is sarcasm if you can’t tell
[3] Miskeen (مِسْكِين) is an Arabic word which means poor or needy. It’s colloquially used to mean someone in a poor state. It’s has the same connotation as “poor you” in English.
[4] See blog post “Mindset Shift: You’re Single Until You’re Married” for a short explanation on locus of control and a fun illustration!
[5] Sarcasm again